I am divorced with a baby living with my parents, and I hate my situation. I married early after a brief fling and soon conceived when I was not even prepared for marriage much less a baby. I now know that it was an impulsive act, but I was adamant back then. Marriage was my ticket to freedom from a conservative family. A spate of violent conflicts followed leading to my divorce. I was given custody of my baby though I didn’t want it. My ex is uninvolved in the baby and my parents insist that I be a ‘good mother’. I resent my baby, my parents, and my ex. I want to live my life as a single girl and explore the dating scene. I feel trapped and angry. I feel frustrated and also sorry for myself, and feel entitled to live my life on my terms without the baby. Please advice.
All human beings pay a price for their decisions and choices. Nobody is an exception to this rule. There is no amount of money or clout that can absolve you of the change that follow all your emotional decisions.
You are welcome to explore the dating scene as a single woman but it would be foolhardy to omit mentioning that you are a single-mother since that can throw off some men.
In divorcing your husband, you made a choice to seek out an independent lifestyle for yourself and yet you find yourself in your parents’ home. Have you considered moving into a place of your own? The ticket to freedom is still very much a ticket and all tickets lead the traveller to the destination of their choosing.
Independence comes with several loopholes and caveats. To be independent is to respond responsibly towards all the situations that stand between you and the dreams you are invested in. No one else can live your life for you. Ask yourself what’s more important to you – your freedom or being around for your child. These need not be exclusive to each other.
Many single mothers do go out on dates and find partners who they are happy with and who even love their children (if any) from a previous relationship.
The role of motherhood can technically be outsourced if you would rather have your baby given up for adoption or if you trust some kind of nanny or domestic helper to take over the mothering responsibilities from you (for a price).
Now understand what’s been said here. This too is a choice. A choice you will have to make for the future of your child. How important is your child’s wellbeing to you? Do you trust other agencies to bring up your child for you?
If yes, that how will you process that emotionally? Will that affect the kind of values your child holds dear? There’s often the dreaded ‘you were never there for me’ chat that many parents are subjected to. Therefore, a child deserves the protection and care of an elder invested in his/her wellbeing.
All children deserve an environment where they can be safe, curious and grow into independent adults with their own journeys to undertake. Are you capable of and willing to give this to your child or would you rather put your own needs before the needs of your child? Some might classify this as a moral dilemma.
To resent your parents, the baby and your ex-husband would be to live in the past. The past acts as a point of reference for us to better learn how we can grow in and contribute to our lives in meaningful and sustainable ways.
To escape into marriage to escape your parents and to escape into a single lifestyle to escape your responsibilities as a mother means that you still feel the need to escape situations that make you uncomfortable.
As adults we face many things that are unwelcome, unpleasant and sometimes even downright humiliating. If you keep running away from these situations, you will never learn to deal with these situations without feeling forlorn.
When your parents insist on your being a ‘good mother’ – what they are perhaps concerned about is your lack of attention to your child who is defenceless, helpless and isn’t yet able to fully understand and shape his/her own destiny.
While some people may point fingers at you and wonder what kind of mother needs to be convinced to love her own child, I would implore you to stick to getting your clarity regardless of what is being said. What you need to do for yourself will come with its fair share of consequences.
Be ready for that. Giving your child away to someone else to take care of - will mean that your role in his/her life will continue to be limited and that he/she may grow up resenting you for ‘not being there’.
Many orphans and street children do not receive that kind of care. They spend their lives looking for it or rebelling against their own emotions. Would you like to relegate your child to such a destiny? These are questions only you can answer. You have options and you are no stranger to making decisions for yourself.
from Free Press Journal https://ift.tt/2YMEWkJ
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